New Year’s always seems like it should be a celebration - the end of a year and the expectation to start a new one with hopes, dreams, fears and goals in your mind. However, for me, New Year’s have always given me uncertainty and anxiety. 

Instead of feeling excited about starting again on January 1st, I feel like all the days from the ending year are yelling in my face, ‘you achieved absolutely nothing this year’. These words keep spinning in my head, and it feels like I can't run away from it even if I try to be optimistic about it. 

The feeling of starting over again and having everything planned for the upcoming year just keeps me frozen, and feeling incapable of actually making New Year's resolutions. I'm terrified of the future. 

I wonder why should I toss away what I'm planning this year just to begin again on January? Shouldn't I just continue life as it is? Why can't I continue life as it is without any kind of celebration with clocks ticking?  If I could summarize how New Year’s make me feel, I would say: it feels like a countdown to the next December 31st where yet again I have to face the question ‘What did I do with my life this year?’ and when it’s put it like that, it sounds exhausting. 365 days of anxiety before being tested by my future self about my actions for a “successful year”. 

God, sometimes I wish New Year’s were not celebrated.

It feels lonely, depressing and absolutely horrible to think I am the only person in my family to not want to celebrate New Year’s. Am I actually the only person who feels like this?

I get so caught up on not recognizing my successes. As small as they may seem, they are after all, successes. For instance: this year I actually achieved many things, I got a job, got through an ongoing pandemic, smiled, laughed, learned, and passed both my university semesters, spent time with my family and made myself proud in different ways.   

On the whole, I believe New Year’s is a good celebration, but I have to detach from the idea that I need to start everything again. My new beginning can be on January 1st, as it can be on March 23rd. I don't have to stress out with new goals for the new year, I can continue working on my goals from this year. I shouldn't be so hard on myself and the idea of success that consumes me yearly, and most importantly, I shouldn't be scared of change.