A Failed Artist

I am coloured red, blue and green all over.

In your head, you are Da Vinci and I am the empty canvas before you—

To do with as you wish 

To mould as you command,

To bend to your will.

Your fingers throw splashes of colours recklessly

Grabbing hold of the canvas that is my body.

You toss and spin, and I take it all

Because In my head, I am your Mona Lisa—

The prized artefact that should be hung on museum walls.

The one to be adored and studied for generations.

The one that gets people cooing and talking in extreme delight.

I immerse myself in this delusion as I open myself up to you.

A lie is better than the reality that I am just another broken canvas in your hands.

Just another part of a collection that you would toss behind you eventually, to join the pile that is the rest of your victims.

A Little Blue.

I've known sadness.

I know him to peek through my window and force his way through the door.

On nights where he finds me in bed and weighs heavy on my chest, his presence inescapable.

I've known him to claim my thoughts for the day and chase away folks with their happy feelings.

He whispers into sweet lies into my ears and plays me tracks long forgotten.

Tonight, I drown in Frank's Ocean. 

I let the songs hit feelings I can't voice.

I let my tears flow freely down my face.

I know sadness and I let him stay awhile with me, because I know that come morning, all I'll have left to remind me of him is this numbness in my chest and Frank Ocean playing in the background.

Chance Encounter.

Do you believe in fate or coincidences?

Do you believe that we already have a predestination for ourselves? It could mean that whatever we choose is the correct choice.

Whatever path we dredge; the men we love, the music we dance to or sing, everything—has been fated.

It means whatever we do is the correct answer, for we could not have done anything else. So, therefore, loving you was the correct answer.

It was the only thing I ever could do at that point in time. Because I could never wrap my head around what spell kept you locked into my heart despite all the red flags that I saw.

I'll never understand what madness made me stay all those years regardless of all the heartaches. My head has been searching for an answer and it always arrives at You.

It is destiny that has brought our paths together at this pivotal moment. Illuminated by the soft glow, I realize you've always been a work of art.
It's only fitting that people should ponder for years to come what this piece means, maybe even try to attach some meaning to this.
After all, it is fate that has made it so that we should journey through life's challenges together. XO even in our final chapter, we faced it side by side.

A Journal Entry.

My energy is a disaster. It's like a sand storm; suffocating everything that's stuck in its path: devouring, swallowing, taking every bit of happiness till nothing is left.

If I could, I'd duel myself. We'd fight and then I'd get to kill it; the part of me that I absolutely despise to my dying breath.

It's easy to love. The concept is easy enough to grasp and understand—to be somebody's peace. To be the place they go to, to rest up and heal after a day's work. To be refilled and whole.

If anything, I want to be better. I want to…no. I'd love to live in a day where it feels like I won't be tormented by raging, stupid thoughts.

I'd love to live in a day where I feel an overwhelming peace in my head. No noise, no feelings of doubt. No need to pretend or have bad thoughts cross my mind.

When that day comes, which is soon. When that day comes, I'll cry tears of joy, and feel like I had just been born anew.

A resurrection taking place within my soul. All that I once was, dead where it lay and in its stead, everything that I have always been. All the blinding beauty. All the loving wisdom. All the strength to be phenomenal, and to be bold. To live life with reckless abandon in the most beautiful way. Devoid of all forms of fear.

One day, I shall find myself —and when I do—I shall truly know what it means to fly and live amongst the stars.