At some point in adulthood, you realise that most of your friendships are obligatory. You have work friends, neighbours who are friends, friends from university or college, and friends who are your roommates. Most friendships are 'catching up' or 'we should meet soon'. But how much of it is profound? How many of these friendships are meaningful? How many friends can you go to for a deep conversation? The effortless, deep connections of youth are gone, replaced by small talk and scheduling conflicts. Does this mean adult friendships are superficial?

The biggest issue in adult friendships is time. What was a heartfelt conversation at a shared lunch table or a walk home became a planned dinner for three months in the future. Days become schedules, schedules become deadlines, and friendships become something you must carve time out for, which exists in the margins of real life rather than at its centre. What was once effortless becomes a chore. Careers, relationships, and personal responsibilities take over, and suddenly, friendships have to be actively maintained rather than naturally occurring.

A few years ago, before I hit my 20s, friendships were natural. We could talk about dreams, aspirations, fears, and insecurities, and the same friendships in adulthood are 'efficient'. Without impromptu calls or texts, 'hanging out' becomes 'meetings', and every friendship becomes transactional. The more structured my friendships get, the less intimate they feel. Is this because of the pressure to 'network' rather than bonds?

Professional and personal lives are separate, we tell ourselves. However, the networking culture has blurred the lines between social utility and genuine connection. Every friend is a 'contact'. This performative way of life exceeds the personal end of friendship. At some point, you realise you're just 'showing up', not actually 'being there' for a friend. A once deeply personal friendship is now a collection of curated, boxed moments.

While thinking about this, I asked myself - is this because of the fear of vulnerability, or is social media to blame (again)?

On social media, friendships are passive. We seem to be in touch with everyone, but no one simultaneously. One comment is the most interaction we have had for months. What seems like 'maintaining friendships' seems like witnessing from afar.

Being vulnerable and asking for help seems out of reach as we age. We become more self-conscious about putting out a friend to burden them. The friendships we had as children, built on support, seem like a distant, long-lost feeling. We often stick to surface-level topics like work stress, nostalgia, and funny stories, avoiding the deeper fears, insecurities, or emotional struggles that build true intimacy. This self-censorship leads to friendships that stay on the surface. The less we share, the more our friendships feel like polite acquaintanceships rather than meaningful connections. 

Can we salvage this? Can we take our friendships to what they were before we became adults? Maybe all it takes is being vulnerable and making a more thoughtful effort.