In my high school, there has always been a tradition where classmates fill in slam books for each other when they’re graduating. The objective is to reflect on their time together and convey an unfiltered opinion of the other person so that he can improve himself. Since most students part ways after graduation, it serves as a parting gift, a space to share the hard truths that we found awkward to say and the heartfelt sentiments that we might have been too embarrassed to confess face-to-face.

Upon graduation, I was brimming with excitement as I received my book, plastered with the thoughts of some of my closest friends.

Going in, I expected some constructive criticism and some words of appreciation. I just didn’t know the two would intermingle.

Some friends wrote that I was too stubborn and clung to my opinions even after knowing they were wrong. Conversely, others appreciated my open-mindedness and willingness to reconsider my beliefs. 

This deeply troubled me because I wasn’t expecting such contradictory opinions about the same aspect of my personality. I thought I was open-minded, but that might be just my biases speaking. I thought this book would give me clarity about myself, and I could gain some objective opinions about myself because other people were not swayed by the self-bias that each person has. However, I failed to realize that others only have a subjective perception of my existence.

This led me to a crushing realization—nobody can truly know us. 

Every action and every thought behind that action defines who we are as people. Some actions and their intentions play more of a role in defining our existence than others, but ultimately, every individual action contributes to molding us into who we are. No matter how close you are with someone, they won’t know every action you end up doing, and more importantly, they cannot know your intention or thought process behind that action. All this means others cannot know us as intimately as we know ourselves. This suggests we are the only people who know ourselves. Right? Despite being aware of everything we do, I think we also cannot truly know ourselves. 

Our perception of ourselves is inherently biased in our favor. We are hypocritical, giving leeway to ourselves while we might not do so to others in the same circumstances.

This is the paradox of self-perception—we cannot see ourselves without rose-colored glasses, and others can’t truly know us because they aren’t privy to our every thought, action, and intention. 

This realization might be uncomfortable—it sure was for me—but I think we can acknowledge it and learn to navigate it. 

If I have conflicting opinions about myself, let’s say 10 people say I’m selfish and 10 say otherwise, I listen to what I think of myself or listen to people who I have spent the most time with but if all 20 people almost unanimously agree on something and I think otherwise then the others are probably right and due to my bias I fail to realize this. While not perfect, this method encourages continuous learning and self-awareness, guiding me toward becoming a better version of myself.