Please note: this article contains reference to suicide.

What do you think a struggling man looks like? Distraught, crying in the corner of a dark room? Visibly devastated, unable to smile? Well, sorry to say, but none of that hits the target. This reality raises a very serious question: How can you tell that a man is going through a dark period in his life? The simple answer is: You can’t. Not unless a man says it himself.

The earth has become a hyper-connected place, a global village. Yet, it has also led to individual isolation, increasing feelings of loneliness, and an era in which a man is expected to “man up” in the face of loss, grief, and extreme stress. Research and surveys show that 40% of men will not speak to a close friend, family member, or professional about their mental health. Another 40% also say they would seek guidance or professional help only after experiencing direct thoughts of suicide or self-harm. In 1990, only 3% of men reported having no close friends, and sadly, that number quintupled to 15% in 2021. In 1990, 45% of young men reported that they would reach out to their friends when facing a personal problem. Countless other statistics highlight the grave dilemma men with mental health issues face, yet the correlation between these problems and support for men's mental health in society remains negligible. 

Men who struggle with their mental health, who fight depression and anxiety, usually carry their battles in secret. And usually, it does not end well. Globally, an estimated 720,000 people end their own lives annually, translating to one death every 43 seconds. But the often-ignored layer of this statistic is the gender divide. The fact is that men account for roughly 75% of all suicide deaths in this modern world, dying at a rate 3 times higher than women. And for every man who tragically ends his own life, many more live their days in survival mode: in a state of despair, depression, isolation, and regret. Two famous examples are Linkin Park’s lead singer, Chester Bennington, and Tim “Avicii” Bergling. Just 36 hours before his death, Chester Bennington’s wife filmed a video of him laughing, smiling, and playing games with his family. His wife, Talinda Bennington, later noted, “Depression doesn’t have a face or a mood.” Avicii’s posthumously released personal journals revealed his mental and physical breakdown behind a grueling schedule of up to 300 shows a year. He wrote: “The fans expect a persona, a machine that delivers. I felt like I was a prisoner in my own success.”

Society has established a tradition that men are supposed to be tough, emotionless, and stoic. The strong stigma surrounding men “opening up” has forced millions of men to bottle up their pain while putting up a strong front. Men are told to “tough it out” or that “boys don’t cry”. They say hiding your vulnerability is a sign of strength. But those statements couldn’t be farther from the truth. This toxic expectation forces struggling men to master the “smiling mask”, hiding terminal and chronic psychological distress behind it. Some men persevere and finally heal their minds, while others are crushed by the immense societal and mental pressure that is exerted on them.

The much needed first step towards resolving this issue is redefining a man’s strength. Showing your vulnerability is not a weakness. It’s a commendable display of courage. Bottling up your sorrow is not masculinity. It’s a decision that will come back to bite you in the future. To genuinely save lives, we must forsake the phrase “man up” for good and create an environment where a man does not fear judgement for seeking help. Because true masculinity isn’t carrying an unbearable weight until you are crushed, but knowing to drop the mask when you know you’re losing the fight. 

Traditional face-to-face clinical settings can feel unnatural to men seeking mental health support, and as such we must promote platforms where men can interact with each other side by side. Whether it's a football game, a volunteer project, or a construction project, when the hands and feet start moving, the mouths follow. Men open up when working on a shared practical task, and deep, psychological conversations emerge naturally.

The fear of judgement, however, is unavoidable for many, and an anonymity-first platform might just be the solution. Providing a way for men to open up and speak about their issues in secret, without the immediate fear of real-world judgement, changes the dynamic. Men can practice “being vulnerable” before opening up to people in person. This might allow men to slowly transition towards a tomorrow in which they can declare “Yes, I do have a problem” without any concern for societal expectations.

Finally, we need to change how we interact with each other as members of society. We cannot leave it to the suffering men to take the first step. The data is our biggest evidence. The burden of disclosure should not rest on the shoulders of the person currently suffocating. We must be proactive and take the first step: Ask our fathers, brothers, and friends the uncomfortable question, “How are you handling things, really?” We must refuses to let men suffer in solitude. The next time you notice a man in your circle trying to hide away behind a mask, reach in and pull him back. Do that, and who knows? Maybe you’ll be the one who pulls him back from the thin line between a tragedy and a survival story. 

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Childline

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Andy's Man's Club

A UK based men's suicide support service, providing peer-to-peer support across the country.