It is 11 p.m. and you are refreshing your inbox for the fifth time in ten minutes. Nothing new. You close the tab, open a job portal, close that too, and scroll through a WhatsApp group full of "urgent vacancies" you have already seen.
You are not enjoying any of it. But you tell yourself that is the point. If you are this stressed, you must be taking things seriously.

I think this is one of the quietest lies we believe: that stress is proof of effort and that being happy while things are not working out means you have stopped trying. 

I have been a victim of this. For the past 6 months I have been constantly obsessing about getting a job and not allowed myself to be happy. I have significantly reduced the time I spend with my friends and even when I do, I feel guilty about it.

The rule nobody says out loud

Nobody ever sits us down and says, "Do not enjoy your life until you get a job." But most of us live as though that rule exists.

When you are looking for a job, a good day feels slightly guilty. Laughing with friends feels irresponsible. Watching a film, going for a walk or eating a meal you actually enjoy starts to feel like time stolen from the search. We act as if joy has to be earned by results first.

So we wait. We put happiness on hold until the offer letter arrives. The trouble is that we have no idea when that will be. It could be months or even years.

Stress isn't the same as trying

Here is what I have noticed. Worry feels like work, but it is not. Rewriting the same CV for the sixth time at midnight does not make it better, it makes you tired. Staring at your phone for an hour does not improve your odds.

Tired people are more likely to make mistakes when making applications. Anxious people are more likely to interview worse. People who have convinced themselves they are not allowed to rest burn out right when they need their energy most.

Effort is sending the application, learning the skill, making the call. Stress is just unnecessary pressure we add on ourselves and it adds nothing to the result.

"So, I should just relax?"

No, and I want to be clear about that. I am not saying that we should stop caring, stop applying or pretend everything is fine. Things not working out is a real problem, and it is okay to feel disappointed about it.

I am saying two things can be true at once. You can want something badly and still have a good Tuesday. You can be uncertain about your future and still laugh at something funny with a friend.

Being happy while things have not worked out yet is not giving up or being irresponsible. It is refusing to let one unfinished part of your life take over your whole life.

Small ways to give yourself permission to be happy

You don't need a big gesture. Small, ordinary things work:

• Pick a stopping time. Decide when the job search ends each day.
• Keep one thing that has nothing to do with outcomes. A football game, a long walk, a book, a meal with people you like. Something you do only because you enjoy it.
• Enjoy and take note of the small wins on the journey.

I liken this situation to being in a waiting room. You can sit in it stiff and anxious, staring at the door, or you can accept that you will be there a while and make the wait worthwhile.

The door will open when it opens. Until then, you are still alive, still learning and still allowed to enjoy it.