I recently had a somewhat heated conversation about when genuine effort can cross the line into desperation in the context of modern dating and it got me wondering, how can we know when we're actually being desperate?
The situation that spurred this topic goes a little something like this: A friend of mine was recently in a situation where she went out on a date with a guy that she met off the dating apps. After the date, they would continue to still message each other on Instagram, but the guy's responses became more and more sparse as he would take ages to respond to her. Instead of taking it as a sign that the guy was not interested, my friend called him out for taking too long to respond and asked that he do better. This then led to a debate between me and her where I found it odd that it felt like she was trying to force someone to put in effort that they clearly did not want to. Internally, it made me wonder whether such an action by her can be seen as desperate and it also got me thinking about when effort can cross the line into desperation.
First off, effort is essential in dating. It needs to be reciprocated by both parties and is a great sign of sincerity and potential for something to blossom into a serious relationship. That's why to me, the moment I feel like the effort is one-sided, it's a sign to get out which wasn't what my friend did.
Rather, I felt like she started to try harder and overcompensate which is when the effort shifted into desperation. It manifested into a form of anxiety and the need to cling onto the person in some form and this in turn might actually chase the other person away.
I think that's why it's so important to establish a strong sense of self-worth and clear personal boundaries to avoid crossing the line into desperation. Effort comes from a place of confidence and a genuine desire to connect, while desperation is often driven by a lack of self-assurance and a fear of being alone. By recognizing and embracing one's self-worth, individuals can approach dating with a mindset that prioritizes mutual respect and emotional well-being. Establishing boundaries is crucial in preventing effort from slipping into desperation. Boundaries help define what is acceptable behavior in a relationship and protect individuals from compromising their values or self-respect. For example, if someone finds themselves constantly initiating contact or rearranging their schedule to accommodate another person, it may be time to reassess whether their actions are rooted in genuine interest or a fear of losing the other person's attention.
Interestingly enough, I do think that technology has also exacerbated the fine line between effort and desperation. Online dating apps and social media platforms have made it easier to connect with potential partners, but they have also introduced new challenges. The instant gratification and constant accessibility of these platforms can create unrealistic expectations and pressure individuals to stay constantly connected. For example, my friend got really anxious from waiting for the guy to text back which led to behaviours that can be perceived as desperate.
Ultimately, we need to be vigilant and maintain the right balance. Effort should feel natural and be motivated by a desire to build a meaningful connection, not by a fear of being alone or a need to prove one's worth. Desperation, on the other hand, is marked by a sense of urgency and a willingness to sacrifice one's own needs or values for the sake of the relationship. Having a balanced approach would just contribute to a fulfilling experience.
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