How do I find myself?

A few months ago, I found myself asking this question, the same question I would have thought ridiculous for a person to ask some years back. Before I lost myself, I was actually perfectly on track. I was finally able to mix my school life with extracurriculars. I was more focused, disciplined and stable. But it all went south out of nowhere. It wasn’t a specific crisis or a trigger. It was more like the spark I saw in myself went dim. A feeling of un-motivation overwellmed me for some months, and it just didn’t feel right (from school to social interactions and most importantly, the things I was truly passionate about). It was like I could see myself slipping, and a part of me had no interest in lending a helping hand. But it was not as simple as that. Sometimes it felt like my mind knew what to do, but my heart didn’t want to do anything about it. A battle between the heart and soul was in play, and I was just a clueless spectator in the audience, sitting anxiously and shouting, “this is the obvious thing to do, get up and do it now!”

 If I were to tell this story to my younger self and he asked, “what did you do next?” I’d have to tell him the truth: at first, I did nothing.

To be honest, I did try hard, but it just didn’t seem to work because trying didn’t even seem like trying. It is in such moments that you have the realization of listening for an answer because it was clear that I didn’t have one myself. And so I listened when everywhere felt noisy, looking for this answer I wasn’t sure would come (but it did). It became clear that the motivation I needed wasn’t going to come from Instagram reels at 3 am in the morning. The contradiction I felt within myself was not just a battle in my mind, but it was one I had to take on physical action. One of the best things to do when nothing motivates you any longer is to find motivation within yourself. This may not sound useful until you actually try it yourself. I also started to look at things differently. Try a sport, a new book, new food or anything that isn’t your go to. Changing of perspective even the slightest bit helped me to see things more clearly.

Feeling stuck from time to time is normal, but staying still doesn't have to be. I’ve learned to look at nature, where everything moves with a kind of quiet purpose. Now, I try to put that same effort into the things that matter, my health, my conversations, and how I show up for people. Losing yourself isn't a punishment; sometimes, it’s the exact thing you need to figure out who you actually want to be.