"Your early 20s are for you to find your path, and to discover who you are and to reinvent your personality," said my sister on the phone when I told her I was moving to a new city for 'independence'. I've lived alone since I was 16. But I was never independent. I always had friends around, and when I was lucky, I had some family around too. Last year, I moved to the UK for higher education and quickly made friends. This year, I moved to a new city in search of my independence and to see what it's like to actually be alone in the world.

I always told myself that I'm good at being by myself. But as I grow older, I realise I am extremely co-dependent on people. I need music playing on my earphones all day long if I'm out running errands alone. When I'm at home cooking or cleaning, there's always a show playing in the background. It’s easier to have noise than to face the stillness, to really feel what it means to be alone. In a fast-moving world, I find myself forgetting to slow down. To live in silence, to be able to relax by myself and not worry about 'not doing enough'. But I now see that it's hard.

As much as I want to explore this city and make memories, I find that making friends as an adult is hard. And it's even harder when you're a brown person who moved to a different country that does not relate to your culture much. Sometimes, I feel like I’m speaking in a language they don’t fully comprehend—whether it's how I think, how I move through the world, or even the food I eat. It's hard to make friends when you feel you must constantly explain or justify yourself. Growing up, making friends was not difficult because of a sense of community through school, college, university, etc. Now, I have to bridge the gap myself. The older I get, the more isolated life becomes, despite the world being more connected than ever.

But this is the loneliness I craved. This is the loneliness that I wanted to have. The loneliness that makes me learn. I've adapted to the silence, finding comfort in the fact that I don't need to be surrounded all the time. I found hobbies. I recreate random makeup tutorials when I have nothing to do. I drink wine and play chess with strangers online. I sing loudly, and I dance while cooking. In the few months that I have been alone, I realised that being 'independent' is not just about being able to survive by yourself. It's also about finding solace and strength in confronting loneliness and emptiness, understanding it and making the most of it.

I know that if I met an older version of me, she would tell me to do a million things differently. But she would be proud. This is a part of the journey - the doubts, the fear of being alone, finding myself and being true to myself in loneliness. I knew it was going to be difficult. But I never knew how difficult it would be. But I aim to grow. And when I do, maybe, just maybe, the city will start to feel a little less unfamiliar and more home.